Years ago, Allison and Kenny, entered my psychotherapy office, massively uncomfortable. Haltingly, they explained that they had a daughter, Dina, who was 6-years-old. Dina had been adopted at birth, but Allison and Kenny had never told her. They made this decision because Kenny had a low sperm count, which both parents experienced as a source of shame. The adoption was a family secret because they never wanted their daughter to ask why they didn’t have biological children. Adoption was this family’s forbidden word.
I asked what brought them into treatment now and they admitted that tension between them had skyrocketed in the past week. They were “fighting about everything” (Allison)… “well, maybe not everything” (Kenny)…and silence ensued. I asked if the silence contained forbidden words and they both began to cry.
“Something weird” (Allison) was happening with Dina. A new student, Andrea, had transferred into Dina’s first grade class and the two girls were immediately inseparable. A week ago, Andrea’s parents had brought cupcakes for the class to celebrate Andrea’s adoption day. After the cupcakes, Dina and Andrea ran outside for recess, jumped on the swings and began singing a tune they composed on the spot. When Dina arrived home that afternoon, she proudly sang her creation. To her parents’ horror, the song’s title was I’m Adopted. Most upsetting was the chorus:
Andrea’s adopted!
Dina’s adopted!
We’re both adopted!
Yeah!
Since then, Dina had been playing with her dolls, telling them they were her adopted sisters, and “worst of all” (Kenny) asking her parents if she could celebrate her own adoption day. They had no idea how Dina even knew the meaning of the word adoption, which had never, not once, been uttered in their household.
What went wrong with Allison and Kenny’s Forbidden-Word-Strategy? In their daughter’s presence, they had never said Montana or foxtrot or wombat— and Dina remained entirely uninterested in any of those words. Why was she suddenly drawn to the one unspoken word that mattered? Because ADOPTION was the forbidden topic. Montana, foxtrot and wombat held no emotional voltage while ADOPTION sparked an entire power grid.
Our country is in the throes of an epidemic of FORBIDDEN. Don’t Say Gay. Or trans. Or menstruation. Don’t teach our country’s history of gender inequality or racial bigotry. In Tennessee, Justin Pearson and Justin Jones (two lawmakers, both Black men) were voted out, punishment for participating in an event promoting gun safety. Instead of being deleted, Rep. Pearson and Rep. Jones have become icons, national news, owning a level of power neither had before their colleagues tried to negate them. Within a few days, they were back at their jobs, supported every step of the way by Rep. Gloria Johnson (white, much older, female, also targeted but not voted out). The Tennessee Three have become the voices of the people, by the people, for the people in a platform they might never have achieved if they hadn’t been treated as forbidden.
Human brains are quirky and emotions don’t follow orders from superior officers, especially if the orders don’t make sense. Forbidding speech doesn’t make words go away and unspoken words don’t make issues disappear. Ironically, forbidding words (or books, or issues, or people) gives them an elevated status. But it also causes incalculable emotional damage to the many who are negated and unable to reclaim their voices.
Several years ago, in the wake of a child’s song, Allison and Kenny protected their daughter from that damage. They lifted their adoption ban. They sorted out their feelings about Kenny’s sperm count. Layer by layer, they unpacked the emotions attached to the previous six years of secrecy. In Allison’s words, “Adoption is big. It’s important. But we accidentally made it big and important in all the wrong ways.”
Allison and Kenny also consulted with a child therapist and told Dina about the adoption. The gag order was lifted and the conversation remained open. Dina met with her own therapist for a short while, but the doctor quickly concluded that the child was fine and the family was on track.
Throughout Dina’s years in elementary school, Allison and Kenny brought cupcakes for their family’s adoption day. Now, decades later, they continue to celebrate the day their daughter completed their family. In high school, Dina and Andrea formed a band. Their signature song (played at multiple school functions) was a rewrite of “I’m Adopted,” renamed “I’m Me”. Dina grew up to become a psychologist and Andrea teaches music theory at a small college. Both are happily married with two children, one biological and one adopted. They remain close friends.
Every year, both families celebrate their adoption day.
*All identifying information about Allison, Kenny, Dina and Andrea (including their names) has been changed to respect their privacy.
Amy Kaufman Burk's Blog 